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How to Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling
Boundaries are an important part of healthy relationships but when they’re meant to manage others rather than protect your values, they cross into being controlling.
Everyone has different lived experiences that contribute to their current need for boundaries. Knowing why you need the boundaries you set and what your goal is for the boundary, helps you determine if they’re healthy boundaries or controlling.
Understanding Your Triggers
Triggers are moments that activate emotions and typically you are not making decisions in alignment with your goals and values when you’re triggered.
Boundaries are important for protecting us from making out of alignment decisions, but they aren’t meant to block us from processing triggers.
Understanding your triggers includes:
- Know what they are, what activates them
- Having a plan to respond
Understanding triggers doesn’t automatically give you control over them. You will need time and space to get to know yourself and your needs and respond accordingly. In many cases, you have to rebuild trust with yourself before processing the triggers.
Having a boundary around triggers is healthy as long as it’s not being used to avoid the trigger but instead give yourself time and space to process.
Communicating with Loved Ones
Boundaries with family and friends, even in happy healthy relationships, can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Not setting boundaries with loved ones can result in harming yourself, setting boundaries without the right communication can leave your loved ones feeling hurt and confused.
Communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Knowing how to clearly communicate your feelings and needs, as well as accept feedback from loved ones, creates healthy, fulfilling relationships.
