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Stop Romanticizing Marriage

Joscelyn Kate
4 min readJul 6, 2020


It’s not about love.

Are you waiting for a ring? The big question to be popped? The planning and the party?? Weddings are epic parties. Most of them, anyway.

Do you think you’ll be “happy” when you’re married? Do you maybe even believe you or your partner will feel more secure when you get married?

Well I have some disheartening news then: you won’t.

Marriage is not about love. And it will not make yours stronger or more present.

It is not about happy. It is not about your emotional relationship.

Marriage will not help you feel more secure with your partner. It will not guarantee behavior patterns, or guarantee the avoiding of behavior patterns.

It will not impart significant change on your connection with your partner at all. Marriage doesn’t change people…

Let me rephrase that. Marriage changes people, but getting married doesn’t. It takes years for the changes to start taking effect.

So, if change is what you’re looking for, and you’re inclined to search for it while wading through drying concrete, marriage might be the answer for you.

Marriage changes people like a river shapes rocks. It’s slow and barely noticeable until you look back 15 years and say, “wow, we’ve come a long way.”

But let me be honest, marriage amplifies whatever you bring to it.

If you are insecure or untrusting, marriage will only raise the stakes. You do not suddenly wake up the day after your wedding and trust that your partner is not cheating if you had suspected them of cheating last month.

If your partner is controlling or smothering, marriage will not calm those traits. They will simply expand to more intimate parts of your life.

If you or your partner are angry or abusive or anxious or depressed, marriage will not absolve you of bad behaviors, hard days, and difficult moments.

It’s not a solution. It. Is. Not. Therapy.

Marriage is a contract. It is an agreement to share stuff, money, and important decisions about life and death.



Joscelyn Kate

Writer and podcaster on self-worth and boundaries. Lover of lattes, champagne, avocados, sleep, and my perfect family.